LOST

Suddenly somethings not right. My ears burning. I feel like I’m no longer in my own body but an observer. Overwhelmingly crushed with doom and that something bad is going to happen. I can’t control it. Desperately scanning, my bulging eyes hacking a view, hoping that no one notices. I need to get out, get away from those watching. Away from witnesses. But there’s no escape. Everywhere I look, everywhere I turn, there are more people watching. I don’t know what to do. My pounding heart quickens.

Body hot and clammy. Adrenalin creeps higher and higher and when it reaches my shoulders and down my arms, my fingers now numb. I know it’s too late, the time has come. My breath is quick, there’s no catching it, there’s no escape, I want to run. Scared if I do, my heart will beat too fast, race and then… it’ll stop and I’ll die. Is that what I’m afraid off? Dying? I don’t know, my body is telling me something is wrong, can’t make sense of those emotions. I don’t know what’s wrong. Something is so so wrong in the depths of my soul. Still hacking at my view, trying to catch my breath, I can’t control it. It’s overwhelming. And then I hear, deep inside my own head…it’s not real it’s not real. I try to tell myself, that’s right, it’s not real. I’m desperately fighting, fighting a losing battle. Will I lose today? I don’t know, will they find me dead? I don’t know. It’s not real, I keep telling myself. Do something normal do something routine do something that doesn’t feed my anxiety. What can I do that is normal? What’s real or not real or even normal. On the fringes of panic. Just at the edges of my mind creeping in. Trying my hardest to just push it away push it away. I want to scream but I can’t, people will see, people will notice, people will think… I’m crazy.